Hello Again.

I have been away for many weeks. Certainly not the best method for developing a loyal blog following! I have a very good excuse and my dog did not eat my homework. I am almost sixteen weeks pregnant. It's delightful and precious and challenging and exhausting. I spent a good chunk of my first tri hurling chunks and have not rolled out my yoga mat in about ten weeks let along put on my hiking shoes and gone for a long walk. Two days ago I cooked for friends, I fried off the onion which is huge progress from the weeks spent sending Dale into the backyard to cook on the camping stove.

I have a teensy bump and my waist has vanished. I eat nutri-grain for breakfast mainly because the slogan on the box reads, 'will you be ready when the time comes?' That cracks Dale and I up. Don't ever read the sugar content of nutri-grain. I eat two to three grapefruit per day and cannot have water unless it has at least a good squeeze of lemon juice, plain water still makes me feel ill. We talk to bub as often as we can. Dale thinks we are having a boy. I am not sure.

I have not been working. At all. Nothing. Zip. Oh, actually I cleaned the house last saturday and then again today. Oh, and there's that whole growing a baby thing which is a big job. 

We are planning a homebirth with a superb local midwife. My advice, if you are planning a homebirth; be careful who you tell because defending myself on that one has been very boring and other people's fear is a real downer. This is certainly not some wayward hippie idea. This is a conscious choice to bring our bub into the world in the most loving, supported and safe way that we can. 

My sister-in-law just had another boy, 10lb. That's a large baby. We went to visit and she asked if we could pick her up some caffeine free, sugar free coke on the way. She wanted a six pack but we could only find a twelve pack carton. So Dale and I walk into the maternity ward of the Royal Women's hospital with a carton of caffeine free coke zero. I felt like I deserved to be arrested! It could only have been better if we had a bottle of wild turkey and a carton of smokes. What I holy stuck up yogi I am!

The sun was out today, all day. The washing dried on the line. I opened all the windows. I wore my sandals on my bike. I feel as though I am emerging from a fog, from underneath a heavy blanket. I have felt gratitude to be with child the whole time but the nausea and the emotion has tested my limits. As will labor and a newborn. As will a two year old and a teenager. 

I'm ready for the ride.

Back on board - Class Reflections numero uno!

After much procrastinating since my january intensive classes I am back on the teaching wagon. I am running two classes a week out of Over-the-Moon creative dance and yoga studio in thriving downtown Castlemaine. I had been holding out for the perfect time slot to open up and the stars to align and an angel to appear etc. Instead of sitting around for this I have taken the 6:30 am on friday slot and the 9:30am sunday slot with absolutely no idea or expectation about how these classes will go. 

Yesterday was the first friday sessions and I had three peeps all of whom attended my january classes. The room is warm (this had been my biggest worry) and we all thoroughly enjoyed the intimacy of such a small group of gorgeous gals. I need to buy a few props like blocks and straps but until funds allow the space is great with loads of blankets and mats. 

I always feel a tad shy and clunky stepping back into a teaching role but I feel so blessed to be able to share yoga with others that the shyness soon passes. My ongoing challenge is to explore ways of articulating and conveying the essence of the practice. I have skirted the edges of this out of fear that it may sound preachie or worse I end up in a tangled muddle of words making little sense. Mostly I try to get into the feeling of yoga before class so that the 'essence' I refer to may possibly be conveyed via a feeling. We spent the final few moments cultivating gratitude for something or someone in our lives that we deeply appreciate. After class one student told me that she had thanked the amazing mountain that she sees from her kitchen for giving her such a magical view. I was really touched by this and we shared our thoughts about how so often we are most grateful for very simple moments or things in our lives. I am exploring gratitude as a powerful way to shed light on fear and worry in my life. I love the simplicity of this prayer and feel so buzzed by the shift I feel when I include deep thanks in my daily practice.

Being into vinyasa flow I love to plan fun and creative sequences but I am also aware of balancing this with some hints around alignment and blossoming from our energetic core. There just seems like there can be so much to say and I do really like to keep class quite simple and spacious so students can have their own yoga experience not one with my voice constantly in the background. AHH, this is all great learning for me and I welcome it whole heartedly. It is such an ongoing practice for me to stay with my own truth and my own path and not compare myself to others or judge myself as less competent in some way. I notice that I can feel like because I teach yoga I am not even allowed to share that vulnerability but the truth is I hope that I exude realness when I teach and not some contrived holier-than-thou, one-day-you'll-get-it kind of vibe. I practice yoga because it helps me cultivate the trust, self-love and compassion that I need to face my vulnerabilities; fears, guilt, jealousy, anxiety, and hurt (among others!) that arise because I am having a human experience, because being human means the full spectrum of human emotion and it means encountering suffering. I also practice because it feels so good and when I am in my body and in my breath I feel so much more able to connect with joy and extend my heart to others and acknowledge the profound yet simple ways that my life is blessed (abundant food, running water, supportive family, a home, health, friends...this is endless).

This past week has been rich. I have been humbled by an old friend courageous enough to hold my hand and lead me into a challenging dialogue. Through our conversation we have been able to resolve an old pain around an experience we had together many years ago. I was touched by her willingness to stay present and to forgive, I hope I was able to offer her the same. It feels as though we have removed a veil that was keeping us from deepening our connection. 

'Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing there is a field. I will meet you there.' Rumi.

wave watchers.

We are spending two days at the beach. For most of today Dale and I have been driving between Queenscliff and Barwon Heads pulling in at spots to watch the ocean from blustery headlands and to see if we can find a good spot for Dale to give me a surfing lesson. The last time we surfed together was 2005 at Port Fairy. It was so cold and wild and so energising. Just out past the waves we spotted a Mumma and calf whale floating by. I had my eyes peeled for whales today but they must be busy elsewhere. Queenscliff is so sleepy it's almost impossible to find a place open for dinner. I love seaside towns in the winter.

Intimacy.

I just opened Nadine Fawell's lovely blog to read this quote from Mark Whitwell. 

'We need intimacy, not enlightenment.' 

These days it seems as though some effort needs to be made to create space for intimate relationship with other human beings. There are so many things that oppose cultivating truly present and intimate engagement with ourselves, with others and with life itself. So many gadgets that supposedly keep us 'connected' and yet so many people feel deep disconnection and isolation. 

Today I was in the city and I noticed a woman wearing an amazing bright green top, she looked beautiful and so alive. As she went by I said, "your top is so beautiful, you look lovely." I have to admit she looked a little shocked and then started gushing with gratitude that a stranger had made a kind remark to her. This is not something I do often or easily, I actually made a conscious effort to briefly connect with her. I was curious about how she might respond and how a moment of intimacy with a stranger might feel. The result affirms that the effort required to cultivate intimacy is worth that moment of joy that comes from saying to someone in some way 'Hey, I noticed you. You are unique and divine. You are deserving of love and respect. I acknowledge you.' 

This is exactly what I do and exactly what I am saying when I create time in my life to practice yoga or nap or meditate or walk slowly in nature. It's my way of cultivating intimacy with myself; having a loving, tender and present relationship with myself and therefore LIFE. For me, the most assuring result of being willing to explore intimacy is the deep trust and sense of being nourished that begins to flow. Beyond the shaky ground of fear and uncertainty lies a deep and rich well of love and a sense that everything is perfect, there is nothing to fix or change. It always comes back to relaxing and relaxing and relaxing and relaxing and then relaxing again.

The jumble and muddle of questions that overwhelm me are part of that shaky ground of fear and 'not-knowing.' I once heard someone say that not knowing is fine, it is not knowing and thinking that you should know that creates confusion. Beyond the tangle of questions that arise out of what appears to be a mountain of choices is the answer, clear and bright. I don't know and everything is perfect. I am immersed in this new and intimate connection. I am staring deeply into the heart of not knowing, lying in the warm embrace of not knowing and relishing every rich moment.

If you are reading this; thank you for being here. I acknowledge you and I acknowledge all that you have experienced in your life thus far. I have time to include you in my prayers and to share a moment of intimacy with you despite not knowing intimate details of your life. Thank you.

TED - Great stuff.

A friend put me onto this website. It's called TED. This morning I've watched this one with Barry Schwartz and this one with Elizabeth Gilbert, author of 'Eat, Prey, Love.' These talks are wonderful. I was particularly inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert and I did really enjoy her book. She speaks with such grace and humor. Barry's talk also had deep resonance with me right now. He talks about the tyranny of excessive choice in our culture and how too much choice often results in paralysis. I am all too familiar with the feeling of having so much to choose from that I choose nothing. 

As well as recovering from being burnt out and exhausted from the island, this past ten months feels as though it has been an incubator time. A time spent considering my options, which are vast, staying afloat financially with casual work and trying to make a choice. I waiver between wanting to start a family, wanting to commit to finding a way to teach yoga full-time and also wondering if we will need to live outside of Australia to be satisfied and payed well as bodyworkers. I have not decided on any of these paths although the most likely seems trying to have a baby. The point is I have so many options and so many ideas and yet I cannot settle on or commit energy to any of them right now. It is hard to know whether to accept this as a time to ponder and consider or whether I need to force myself to take a step in A direction, ANY direction. Fear of failure? Fear of making the wrong decision? Fear of heading in a direction that cuts me off from other opportunities? 

Sniffles, Boots, Soup and Snuggles.

It's a lazy, snuggly saturday morning in our sweet little home. D goes to work a little later but until then we are sipping tea, (new ones from the visit to the big smoke; loose roasted dandelion, rosehip & a yarrow/elderflower/peppermint blend) I am blogging and D is wrapped up in 'The Age'. He's focused on the new samurai soduku for the week. I have a little sniffle I am nursing it by staying rugged up in my mohair blankie and committing to yet another quiet home day. My naturopath guardian angel dropped by with a good dose of vitamin C and echinacea. I did a speedie market run to Wesley Hill before 8 this morning and I have all the goods for making a love-imbued pot of pumpkin soup. I Heart Saturdays.

Yesterdays trip to Melbourne was so smooth and mellow. I didn't get a headache and I didn't get grumpy. I did achieve the boot purchase which is monumental and I am now feeling well equipped for the winter months in regards to both function and style. Retail purchases are not my idea of fun or relaxation. They are often second-guessed and pained over before I commit. Most often I end up in a funk about 'need vs want,' conscious consuming and the way buying crap has become the leisure activity of the western world. It's never been my idea of relaxation (give me two hours, a yoga mat and an eye pillow any day) and shopping for me is born out of the need to be warmer or because I have nothing to wear to wedding (a last resort if I am unable to borrow from a friend). With the help of two lovely women friends I made it through yesterdays purchase reasonably unscathed. This morning I am having a few 'do they fit me right' worries but D is being very reassuring, God bless his cotton socks.

I have often wondered how much of this 'make-do' attitude has been inherited from my amazing mother who spent eight years as a Catholic Mercy nun followed by the last thirty-four years as a devoted and selfless mother. She rarely buys herself new things and gives herself a rough time when she does but gives endlessly to others. My sister operates from the other end of the scale, more often making impulse purchases and I often encourage. As with all things I strive to strike a balance. I value being discerning and I value exploring and sometimes challenging my attitudes and belief systems. I am trying to cultivate a willingness to let go of beliefs that no longer serve me, sometimes this is smooth and sometimes clunky.

Last night I had a long overdue chat with a dear friend who lives on the other side of our state. After three years of social isolation on the island I am sometimes overwhelmed by the social activity and engaging that happens in the 'real world.' My tendency is to stay home alot, be inconsistent with phone calls to friends and be quite happy to go days without seeing anyone other that D. It's not because I don't love social activities or adore the gorgeous friends I have been blessed with. It seems more like I get distracted and immersed in doing solo things. I have also heard introverts described as those who get there energy from doing quiet/alone things and extroverts as being energised from social interaction. If this is the true definition I would fall into the introvert category. So I am sure you have gathered that I can be slack with phone calls but when I do get the space for a long chat I do thoroughly enjoy the catch-up. Last night was no exception. I felt so loved-up to have such a sweet, honest and brave friend. She is very patient with me and I am grateful for that.

Today I will pick the last of the tomatoes, make soup, yoga and watch the end of the red balloon movie.

k8 xo

A quiet moment.

It is early and I am enjoying a pot of sage tea, my new favourite herbie, while I potter about on other peoples blogs and slowly wake up. I fell asleep during the movie last night which is the usual pattern in this house but I love knowing I have an unfinished movie to watch.

I can hear all the cockatoos yelling and screaming outside as well s Mr magpie doing his cute warble. It's not so cold this morning, only one lambs wool jumper and the mohair rug wrapped around my kidneys. Thought I might meditate when I woke up but snuggled up with a pot of tea sang my name a little louder this morning.

As previously mentioned I am off to the city in less than an hour. Looking forward to relaxing on the train, lazing in the odd cafe and perusing cutie shops. Also looking forward to coming back to the country at the end of the day into the arms of the divine D.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be free. k8 xo

Time out.

After what felt like a month of continuous visitors, work and social engagements D and I have just had two whole days of quiet home time. Yesterday was a continuous snuggle and cuddle fest interspersed with a not-so-inspiring winter undie shop at Target. I am now a committed wearer of big knickers. After years of trying to keep my kidneys warm through the winter I see no other way.

Today we ate left-over chicken and leek pie and talked about missing New York City. Dale suggested we fly there for a week to buy new jeans, eat at  Pheasant and Cafe Gitane on the Lower East Side and walk through the park. Then to top the longing for NY off I found this sweetie blog. New York Portraits. Such beautiful photos and so many deliciously talented bloggers out there..

Speaking of; I have spent this past hour getting seriously distracted by loads of yummy, girlie, crafty, hip and inspiring blogs by women. I do recall a recent article in 'The Age' talking about women dominating the blogosphere. I am getting pretty buzzed by all the brave, entrepreneurial women doing amazing stuff and writing with depth and humour. I am both scared and inspired by them! I pulled out my dog-eared copy of Sark's 'Succulent Wild Woman' last night. This stuck; 'We are endowed with power by our very birth, and then shrouded from the knowledge and acceptance of it.' Questions around moving toward, dwelling in and embodying my power as a divine woman have been bubbling to the surface of late. Nothing much to report so far but hoping for some insights down the track.

I thought I might do a little summary of this past week as it's a tad blurry and I am feeling like collecting my thoughts;

• Did five Shiatsu in the three days over Easter from friday through sunday. It felt so good to get a little roll on with treating. Finding some challenge around feeling as though I gave a special treatment but having no attachment to how the person received it. Learning to meet my clients where ever they are and have no agenda around what they get out of my work.
• Worked at the little corner cafe monday and tuesday and then found myself wanting to run like crazy on tuesday night. I ran about 5km including a mega hill. I haven't run in months and was abit tickled that I was able to do it. I felt so determined and focused. Those are the moments when running can feel like a meditation for me.
• Have had many and varied thoughts regarding health and wellbeing. Been going through abit of a stock standard body image struggle and doing my best to challenge negative self talk around this. This evening I feel as though I am ready to commit to a gentle cleanse or exclude a few stimulants from my diet such as refined sugar, caffeine (my daily cup of chai) and perhaps wheat. 
• Yoga practice has been some days hit and some days miss. I blame the full moon. I had no idea about the intimate connection between the tides and the moon and how that might translate to humans we have so much water in our physical bodies. This needs more inquiry on my behalf but I am curious about moon cycles and emotion as well as the lunar cycle and the menstrual cycle. Have been enjoying slow and strong vinyasa flow with focus on core connection, juicy stuff. 
• D and I have been feeling a spot landlocked and have had a few little chats about living by the ocean or at least making a trip to the water soon. I feel almost certain that we will live close to water one day soon.
• Sorted through a bunch of professional yoga shots that a friend did for me. The photos are really beautiful. Delicious morning light in the local botanical gardens and a particularly playful silouette of me in handstand. Yah for my first happy photo shoot experience. I am camera shy.
• Made a spleen-nurturing corn soup from Stephanie Alexander's 'The Cooks Companion.' So much amazing sweet corn in season right now.
• Decided it's time to write a business plan and take the steps required to move toward full time yoga teaching. This is a bee in the bonnet and it's time to set the buzz free.
• City tripped planned tomorrow with two friends. Fingers crossed for the perfect pair of winter boots. 
• Cleaned out the scary corner of the lounge, it's currently strewn across the floor eagerly awaiting special archive boxes so letters/photos/documents and diaries can be neatly stored and marked. Virgo heaven I tells ya.

Signing off to watch a sweet french film called 'The Red Balloon.' I'll report back. K8 xo

Hello Moon.

Go outside and look at the moon. She's divine. 

Heart Song.

I am playing a song on repeat. I think it's played for at least 45 minutes over and over and over. I do this alot. It's as if the song stirs some deep longing in my heart. It feels like I am being nostalgic but it is not connected to a specific memory or time or place. It is a mixture of a boy I use to love, a foreign city I walked through at 4am, the first time Dale held my hand, my first share house, a time when I would take off on an adventure without a cent to my name. I think it is a homesickness for spirit. A desire to be held and nutured, to tend that ever-present flame in my heart that is the divine, my beingness. The song, the melody ignites the flame and warms my heart. 

Today this all makes perfect sense. I am tired. I have been tending to guests for almost a week and there has been little time to soften into a long yoga practice, to let my shoulders release and exhale. Of course, taking my practice off the mat and into the world is the idea but I am a slow learner. I am grateful for my guests and the sharing that happens between family and friends and I am grateful when they go home.

The song is 'Orange Sky' by Alexi Murdoch. It was played in a class I took last May at Exhale, Venice Beach. 

My time to shine.

Between the hours of 6am and 9am I am the most awake, most efficient, most focused woman on the planet. Beyond 9am it can be slightly hit and miss although I do come back to form if I get a little 'arvo nap in. 

That said, I don't always harness my morning powers to achieve peace and wellbeing for all on the planet. Take this morning for example although this is a slightly extreme situation as I am on the verge of menstruating which adds a whole other level of emotion into the equation. So, this morning I woke up before 6am and realising that more sleep was not an option I got up. I made a pot of tea using a blend that goes by the name of 'women's balance.' Fingers crossed, I chugged down a whole pot while surfing the internet and contemplating a stroll. Decided I was ready to stroll, put shoes on, walked 100m up the road and decided I wanted to turn around and come home. I came home and ran the bath while feeling queasy with guilt over my excessive use of water all the while justifying the bath by telling myself that I would stay in for at least an hour making full use of the bathing opportunity. I set up the computer next to the bath, yep I watch movies in bed and I watch movies in the bath. Over the weekend I watched 'Slumdog Millionaire' and 'Milk' between the hours of 6am and 9am on saturday and sunday so this morning I was left with 'The Chronicles of Narnia - Prince Caspian.' Bath-time fun right there. By the time I had skin brushed, washed my hair and let conditioner stay in for 10 minutes, cleansed my face (twice), massaged period-inducing points in my feet and scrubbed skin I was up to the bit where a mouse with a sword and an earring is trying to stab Prince Caspian as he mistakenly thinks the Prince is a bad guy. Fortunately a talking skunk comes to the Prince's rescue. I think I should have watched 'Slumdog' again. 

On the mornings when I am truly focused and not wanting to drift off into Narnia-land I do go walking into the gorgeous bush lands around my house and listen to Black Cockatoos squawking and discussing what they shall feast on for breakfast. I do also light my candles and do a gentle morning practice in our yoga and meditation room. The morning time is always a mellow practice for me, I am slow to warm up and enjoy more of a yin style yoga in the a.m. 

The ritual that marks the move into breakfast time and planning the day is the brewing of a pot of earl grey and taking Dale tea in bed. Yesterday I took it in and he looked as surprised as ever that I'd thought to make tea even though I do it almost every single day. I said, "weren't you expecting me with our tea." He said that he never expects or assumes anything and he never takes anything I do for him for granted. Gold star buddy.

Lovely local class.

Yesterday morning I finally got to take class with a local teacher whom I have met many times and who came to a few of my classes while I was teaching this past summer. She apprenticed under an Iyengar teacher in Melbourne and also under a woman in Castlemaine who has taught in the Iyengar tradition for many years. I don't often feel drawn to take class as I would usually prefer to do my own practice but yesterday a gap opened up, the time was right and I headed off to class. 

Apparently there are normally two very chatty women in the class but yesterday they were absent and the other peeps were very quiet. From the first few minutes the class energy was deep and calm. This teacher's style is very nurturing, slow and clear. I love to practice poses from the perspective of other traditions as there can be such vast differences in the way the pose is taught and the focus of the pose. I really appreciate the thorough anatomical knowledge that Iyengar teachers offer. I find myself having a handful of 'ah ha' moments with poses that may have been a little elusive for me. Her progression and dissecting parts of poses was also really helpful. By the time we moved into shavasana yesterday morning I was feeling incredibly smooth and open. I was so into my own experience that I don't think I even saw the faces of the other class participants, I honestly felt like the only student in the class. I think that it's a real skill to hold a group class and yet meet each individual within that. 

This is the bit where I admit that it wasn't all rosie in my mind-scape. The flip side when I attend other people's classes is the experience of negotiating my critical voice. Normally this is connected to feeling like I am lacking in certain areas as a teacher because I do not have the same knowledge or skill level as another person. There ends up being little moments where I could easily leap into a pool of self-doubt and feed the fear that I am not ready to be a teacher. 

This 'critical-voice' pattern is also a really good chance for me to be clear about the direction that I am heading in terms of professional development and skill development. It's actually pretty cool to have the opportunity to clarify what I want to offer as a teacher and what I may need to explore to improve the chances of me offering that. It's also really exciting to live in such a small yet diverse community with peeps out there offering their insights and learnings through the pathways and traditions that have resonated with them. I am grateful to, and open to learn from, each person that comes into my life.

Flowing with Grace.

This past week has been full to the brim with activity in the world. The sort of busy week that would previously have sent me into a downward spin ending in feeling exhausted and fragile. Yesterday I drove almost an hour to give two Shiatsu's and then drove home again. On the way home I was blaring the stereo while attempting to make a phone call while doing 110km/hour. Impressive hey! Okay maybe not so impressive. Amidst the noise and the frantic energy to do jobs while driving fast was a flash moment, a voice that whispered 'it's okay, relax sweetie.' A soft and gentle voice soothing my fatigue and my attempts to keep going by amping up on adrenalin. I turned off the music, put the phone down and decelerated. I DECELERATED. In that moment my breath became deeper and my front body, which felt about two feet in front of my actual body, sank toward my back body, my seat sinking into the car seat. I started noticing the way the landscape has changed in these early days of autumn and how it feels less harsh than it did even a few weeks ago. I felt blessed to have a big, wide 'australian sky' view of the descending sun. I exhaled, I exhaled and then exhaled again. 

By the time I got home I felt calm yet energised and I felt completely available to connect with Dale and share stories from the day. He told me friends were coming for a make-shift dinner, which may have been cause for freak out, and yet I set to work cooking beans and mint from the garden while sharing moments to have a little dance. This feels like GRACE, this feels like the universe affirming my practice and affirming my willingness to step out of the way. This experience is a new and precious gift. 

Yesterday

I lived inside

My mind's disastrous uncertainty-sea.

Today

I am living inside

My heart's rapturous divinity-ocean.

This is what my Lord's

Unconditional Grace

Has done for me.

-Sri Chinmoy

Obama the Farmer.

Today's paper reported that Obama is planting a vegie patch in the white house grounds. Michelle Obama is breaking ground with a bunch of school kids this weekend. I'll have to send him my recipe for pasta sauce come tomato harvest time. He's gunna love it. I'm having sweet visions of an orchard out the front of the White House and runner beans using the main gates as a trellis. 

'More than 100,000 people asked the President to plant a garden on the White House lawn, according to Kitchen Gardens International, a coalition of gardeners whose mission is to inspire and teach people to grow their own food.

The groups "Eat the View" campaign to plant "high impact gardens in high profile places" specifically urged the first family to plant an edible garden within the first 100 days of the Obama Administration.' The Age, Sat March 21 2009.

I found the raw milk man at the market today. He has quite a following. Sold for 'cosmetic purposes' only. That's one expensive bath to climb into. I thought better of cold compressing my face with it and decided to whack it in a glass with ice and four table spoons of green and blacks drinking chocolate (reminiscent of the good 'ol after-school-snack milo days). Organic sugar is sooooo much better for me. I asked the kid selling the stuff if it was organic and he said, 'sort of.' I figure that means uncertified which, given the process for certification, is good enough for me.

After yesterdays 'I'm an early bird' post I had myself a wee sleep-in this morning. Tea in bed and a very late breakfast. Felt like the beginning of a proper saturday except my poor sweetie had to scoot off to work at 11am. I feel a tad dodgy that I am such a lady of leisure right now but also mighty grateful that I am supported to live this way. I am doing many things that could lead to working more, research etc.

Spent a little time on Yoga Dawg's blog today. He's mighty funny and refreshingly unholy about this whole yoga thang. He's worth a visit.

Good Morning.

I have always been an early to bed, early to rise kinda gal. The hour before sunrise feels like a secret universe rich in treasures not to mention being an incredibly peaceful time of the day. I got up this morning thinking I might yoga but was drawn to a walk instead. The sun was just starting to show up and the maggies were making their sweet little warbling sound. Since giving up running for the 800th time I am appreciating walking in the hills around my house as I still get my heart pumping, cardio fix without the hip jamming, leg pounding effect. As I came along the ridge above town I looked out to the east to watch the sunrise. According to a google search the clouds rolling in from the east were 'Patch work altocumulus.' Whatever they're called they were absolutely specie with the sunrise kissing their underbellies to create this amazing patchwork of pink and purple clouds. I'd been watching for a good ten minutes when an old guy rolled up the road in his car and bounded out exclaiming that he just had to come and see the sunrise. He looked for about twenty seconds and then jumped in his car and drove away. 

We are back on the 'let's buy a house' wagon. It comes and goes in waves and there appears to be another surge toward 'BUY' happening for us. We found a sweet mudbrick place on 5 acres online but have yet to see it. That said, I still haven't committed to buying a couch for our current place so a whole house seems like a big step for this here gypsy gal. I passed up a day trip to the beach today and have asked a friend to make me sign something that says I will stay put for the next month. Moving toward settled.

Yes to Suffering.

'The ego says, "I shouldn't have to suffer," and that thought makes you suffer so much more. It is a distortion of the truth, which is always paradoxical. The truth is that you need to say yes to suffering before you can transcend it.' Eckhart Tolle 'A New Earth.'

Conscious suffering, now there's an idea. I am here to CONSCIOUSLY express my gratitude for my struggles and pain. Deep in my heart I know it has propelled me along the path that I have chosen and I know that my life is richer as a result. Goddamn it's been mighty uncomfortable for me, and people close to me but more than ever I am ready to welcome and embrace all the experiences that present in my life. I wonder why I have always blindly expected comfort, where does that belief come from? I have always had a challenge with embracing the full spectrum of human emotion and experience especially when my belief has so often been that pain/depression/sadness = bad/failure me and happy/well adjusted/high energy = good/successful me. 

I am in awe of the space that opens up by simply allowing myself to feel without judgement and without the desire for the situation to be any different. This is tough work but I have noticed that by approaching pain in this way and letting up on the fight, the resisting, then a whole lot of space opens up for meeting with and embracing suffering, allowing the suffering to bubble to the surface and dissipate. Such a lovely thing to keep in mind when I am engaging with people that I'd rather not engage with, those communications where defensiveness and aggression are ready to rear up at any moment. I'll need to post after the inlaws visit next week.

What does it really mean to meet ourselves where we are in each moment? What does it really mean to meet another person fresh and alert in each moment? Is this Love, is this love, is this love that I'm feeling?

The Guesthouse - Rumi

This being human is  guesthouse

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house empty

of it's furniture, still treat each guest

honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them

at the door laughing, and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has

been sent as a guide from beyond.

Today has been quite lovely. A walk with my gorgeous pregnant friend this morning which included a long chat about how giving birth is such an honor and an experience we are both excited to fully participate in, her before me at this stage. Her baby bump is ridiculously perfect. I made a pot of soup and had a first date with a new friend. We both got to indulge in talking about yoga, not everyone I know has the same all-consuming interest in the topic that I do. My sweet man and I picked a mega load of tommies from our garden and we have just jarred our first batch of shit-hot, delicious pasta sauce. It's mind blowing stuff, we should SO be an old Mamma and Papa living in Tuscany. It's hard to beat the feeling of making a meal from food that has traveled less than ten metres from garden to table. Practice was cool, restorative opening moving into mellow salutes moving into strong-ish standing twists moving into wall lunge, splits, handstand and then winding down into shavasana and a mellow sit. We went out to the local reservoir for a dip. It's getting cold out there but I am so delighted by being fully immersed in a body of water that I don't even notice the chill. We have got through twenty-five rounds of dishes (the downside to preserving) and I feel a DVD in bed coming on. SSSHHH, don't tell the hippies that we watch movies on our computer in bed.

Complete Vision.

My vision board is complete. At least three weeks after choosing the perfect piece of blue card on which to construct it I have put the finishing touches to my masterpiece for manifesting. I have stuck it on the fireplace mantel close to where I often practice. It looks divine. I was a little stuck on the section related to 'home' and the place I'd love to live in. Flicking through a pile of magazine pages that my sweetheart and I had ripped from fancy house mags I found the loveliest picture of a big earthy living room with exposed, recycled beams and an open fire place. "That's it" I exclaimed in my head and got to work with the scissors. The missing puzzle piece found. I already feel the power of defining exactly what I want coming to fruition. The fears around abundance are dissolving and being replaced with a deep knowing that we are blessed and nourished by the universe at every turn. I got a little teary looking at the pics I have pasted on of me and Erich. One of them was taken right after the TT at Exhale in Venice Beach in 2007. I look so blissed out enveloped in the arms of the gorgeous Erich yogi bear. 

Something so interesting has become apparent since last weeks little 'ah ha' moment. I am sure this must not be a new experience but it feels bigger than ever. In my yoga practice I am noticing incredible physical and energetic lightness and clarity. New space in my hips, a sense of deep power and strength in my core, fluidity and grace in my movements and more ease in sitting practice. Woohoo! I have written 'Be the place where LOVE flows through' on my vision board and have been really contemplating what this actually means, how can that translate into a somatic experience? The mat has been such rich soil to play with that idea and I am sensing that relaxing is key. If emotion is 'energy in motion' then it makes profound sense to relax, relax, relax and focus on releasing tension and breathing into the tight spots. If my energy can flow freely then I can receive love and give love more freely. It makes such sense to me that emotional suffering translates as pain, blockage and stagnation in my body, I have felt it and I am currently  feeling the opposite. Damn that is such helpful information to truly embody, empowering information. This is a pretty simple mind-body AH moment but I still get a tad tickled every time it happens.

I have a treatment booked tonight and then I am receiving a treatment from a friend. After three years on the island doing all sorts of bodywork and spa treatments and adapting to giving Shiatsu on a table to save set up time I am so buzzed to be treating on the floor again. It feels incredibly authentic and deep. The other day I was grumbling that it takes me so long to get things done, much longer than I plan or expect. My man suggested that I lower my expectations and then whatever I get done will be a fantastic achievement. It seemed like an amusing way to trick my mind and I'll do anything to pull one over my complicated little noggin.' So at this stage I am aiming for two bookings a week with some hope to increase that to five at some point. This is mega luxurious for a gal who was cranking out up to thirty treatments a week not that long ago. This is my practice in slow living.....and slow income!

The days are cooling significantly and on reflection it seems like summer lasted about two weeks. I am well adjusted to hot weather and could handle a little more than a two week long summer although the week that we moved our bed into the kitchen, the only room with A/C, was a little mental. It's fair to say that I am scared of the winter so over the next month or so I am committed to getting a little more ready for what's to come by stocking up on wool clothing and sealing my search for the perfect boots. The $US600 Red 'Fiorenti and Baker' boots I found in LA last year are not the perfect boots....right?

Things that make me go HHHMMMMM.

"Global Balancing not Global Warming. Economic Re-alignment not Economic Crisis." Twee Merrigan. 

Big Up to the Dove!

Last night my local, as in five doors away, milkbar, corner store, cafe ran a fundraiser for the Red Cross Bush Fire Appeal. Twenty bucks on the door, good grub, an auction and a talent show. The amazing Dove crew raised $3000 and the feeling of generosity and community was awesome. Let me just say Castlemaine has got talent. From the delightful four year old who told me he wasn't nervous to perform because "I am a musician and performing is what I do" to the shy and kooky teenage boys beat boxing there hip little butts off. Not to mention a stella piece of house wife inspired performance art encompassing poetry and dance. 

I have to say I am pinching myself this morning at my inability to think quick and spend cash. An amazing designer donated a $2000 package for someone wanting to set up a website. It went for $350. Ridiculous. Ah well, not my time to shine in bidding glory and one day I will realise my dream of having a website all about me!

Today is Vision Board Sunday. The incomplete version has been laying out on our recently completed recycled red gum coffee table for the past week. How could that beautiful piece of art/furniture not inspire me to create? Over these past few days little ideas and dreams have been bubbling to the surface of my psyche and baking on in. Now I am ready to commit with the glue stick and sticky tape.

Yesterday I had space for two luxurious yoga sessions; an early, gentle 90 minutes with a long sit at the end, this is an achievement, and a long 'arvo session starting with a Liver/Gall Bladder Yin sequence courtesy of Sarah Powers leading into a standing/twisty vinyasa flow courtesy of my inner guidance. I think it's revolved side angle pose (parivrtta parsvakonasana) that I am really digging this past week. Standing twists require a solid warm up and as far as twists go can be pretty intense but I feel as though they provide the most incredible wringing out of all that is no longer needed, like every cell going through a wash cycle. It makes sense given the insights of this past week that consciously participating in letting go of what is no longer needed in my life is something that serves me and those around me greatly. Erich Schiffmann often says "do yoga for your friends and family." As in do anything that makes you a better human to be around. I appreciate that.

Challenge as Opportunity.

This is my first saturday at home in many months. I recently quit a weekend job in a town about twenty minutes from where I live. It was hospitality work and it did not take long before I realised that I no longer have the energy or desire to work in such chaotic and fast paced environments. Almost a year has passed since I left my full time (six days a week) job on the island. "A whole year!" I exclaimed to my beloved this past thursday. "What have I done? Where have I been?" Once I recovered from the shock that so much time had passed and I hadb been back in Australia for many months I realised that I had received the year that I had asked for. I was longing for quiet, for a home and private space of our own, for my time to be less dominated by work and for rest. The universe delivered it square into my lap and yet so much of this past year has been spent worrying and fixating on my past perceieved failings and on fears of the future. Beyond all these mental loops and stories I am having lovely moments of feeling vast amounts of gratitude for what I have received. I am also taking in the very valuable lesson of being clear about what I ask for and being prepared to live that reality as it unfolds. I am often too caught up in drama or stories to even see that I am right where I asked to be, I am right where I am supposed to be. It has become a part of my daily practice to acknowledge that I trust that I am where I am supposed to be right now. There is no where else for me to be but here. This is my practice in cultivating contentment.

"Contentment comes into being only when you see yourself as you are without any desire to change, without any condemnation or comparison - which does not mean that you merely accept what you see and go to sleep. But when the mind is no longer comparing, judging, evaluating, and is therefore capable of seeing what is from moment to moment without wanting to change it - in that very perception is the eternal." Krishnamurti. 'Think on these things.'

Yesterday I had a long overdue session with my naturopath who is also a new but very dear friend whom I see almost daily for tea and walks and chatting. I am still absorbing the depth of her insight and the non-judgement and care with which she practices. I have seen more naturopaths, Chinese doctors, western doctors and alternative practitioners than I could poke a stick at. I have bucketed supplements down my throat and quit jobs and moved towns and moved countries and seen therapists and yet not one of them has conveyed the truth in the same way that she was able yesterday morning. The insight became clear within the context of receiving a vast array of blood tests results that all pointed to me being in glowing physical health despite an ongoing (years) fatigue issue. I am going to try and convey her understanding and insight as simply as I can. It goes something like this; We all arrive in the world with certain challenges related to our health. It is not our fault, we are not at fault but we can learn to respond to these challenges with care, compassion and appropriate treatment if necessary. So if I was predisposed to liver sluggishness I could work closely with diet and exercise to make sure my liver could be as healthy as possible. Turns out that my liver is doing everything it is supposed to. My challenge is anxiety, over-analysing and over-thinking. An unsettled, and very active mind and imagination to the point of causing bone-tired exhaustion. For some reason the glitch for me has been wanting my 'weakness' to be physical because of judgements and beliefs that I hold around mental illness or challenges with mental health. I have felt that it is much easier to tell someone that I am exhausted because I have a thyroid condition than it is to tell them I am exhausted because of anxiety and the resulting depression. The whole new angle, the insight is to embrace this challenge and consider this new understanding empowering and liberating. It helps me to view the mind as another organ system, part of a whole and integrated system not separate and not something that I 'should' be able to control and manipulate and if I cannot I am weak. For so long I have been 'doing' so much in service of improving my well being and health. Amidst all this 'doing' there has been so much anguish around why my efforts appear to be failing. I feel as though I have stepped away and by recognising my personal challenge and, this is important, accepting and EMBRACING, allowing space and compassion I am much more available to absorb the benefits of the positive things I do engage in; yoga, healthy diet, good sleep, exercise etc. In a nutshell this new perspective has given me the opportunity to truly cut myself some slack. This process of elimination in order to find the root of an issue has also helped me clarify the most beneficial treatment and approach for me. I am not interested in exacerbating my mind activity by more talking or more analysing (farewell therapists), my body is strong and healthy so more supplements are not relevant. Now is the time for me to clarify my meditation practice and also feel some relief that sitting practice has been so goddamn hard for me because of my wiring. But it's called practice for a reason. My sweet man drops into deep stillness as soon as his cute backside lands on the floor, bless his cotton socks. I feel that touch and body work is important for dropping my entire being into deep relaxation and restoration, the place where healing happens (this is true not just a cheeky excuse for weekly massage). I feel like a fog has cleared. I feel like I can truly respond appropriately and effect change in my life without taking it all too seriously or without hassling myself if I slip from time to time.

More than ever I feel overwhelming gratitude for the path that has been revealed to me in this lifetime, it is exactly what I need. Thank the heavens for the teachers that have touched my life and offered such deep insight and love to me even when I was unable to engage with the same compassion. Finding yoga has been the most powerful and radical blessing of my life. In my yoga practice I find deep rest, deep connection and a space to bow down at my inner altar, my heart, and ask, prey for guidance.

"The solution to anything is to slide into a feeling of peace instead of thrashing around to find the answer." Erich Schiffmann.

Here I am.

Blog number 1 of my journey into the blogging universe. I have been reading blogs, pretty much exclusively yoga blogs, for some time now so it seemed only natural to make the leap. This is mainly a practice in learning to clarify and articulate my truth, something that gets a little cloudy from time to time. My darling other suggested this very morning that I start with a list of things that I am grateful for that I may have been glancing over of late. I am always warmed by the power of gratitude to shift my energy and bring light into my being so here goes; 

Things that I am GRATEFUL for this morning.

1. Over night rain and the smell of soaked australian bush on my early morning walk.
2. The wonderous treasure of watching my friends belly expand in her 28th week of pregnancy.
3. A spacious day to learn about blogging and to navigate the foreign-ness of my mac.
4. The precious and grounded man that I share my life with.

That's a start. Other things that I would like this blog to encompass include my first expose into opening a yoga studio from scratch. Step one: find the perfect space! And, 'cos I think this may be one of my skills, I would like to use this as a space to research and review all sorts of yoga related juicy stuff. happening in Australia and abroad.

Until last July I was living on a teensy island in the Turks and Caicos Islands. If I can't see your eyes glazing over I can imagine, as this is the usual response when I utter the sentence "I lived on a tropical island for three years." Idyllic in some respects and incredibly challenging in others. I no longer live there. I now live inland but dream of the ocean and crave the sound of the ocean. I have just dedicated one whole corner of my 'Vision Board' to pictures of water and words that evoke feelings of flow and cool water. So maybe there will be opportunity to be more of a literal ocean yogi at some point. I'll keep the name because it's lovely. I do like where I live; incredible peeps, peace, bush close by but AHHH for H2O. I am not alone in this sentiment and perhaps my vision board has the power to break the drought.

Time to roll out the mat and exhale.