wave watchers.

We are spending two days at the beach. For most of today Dale and I have been driving between Queenscliff and Barwon Heads pulling in at spots to watch the ocean from blustery headlands and to see if we can find a good spot for Dale to give me a surfing lesson. The last time we surfed together was 2005 at Port Fairy. It was so cold and wild and so energising. Just out past the waves we spotted a Mumma and calf whale floating by. I had my eyes peeled for whales today but they must be busy elsewhere. Queenscliff is so sleepy it's almost impossible to find a place open for dinner. I love seaside towns in the winter.

Intimacy.

I just opened Nadine Fawell's lovely blog to read this quote from Mark Whitwell. 

'We need intimacy, not enlightenment.' 

These days it seems as though some effort needs to be made to create space for intimate relationship with other human beings. There are so many things that oppose cultivating truly present and intimate engagement with ourselves, with others and with life itself. So many gadgets that supposedly keep us 'connected' and yet so many people feel deep disconnection and isolation. 

Today I was in the city and I noticed a woman wearing an amazing bright green top, she looked beautiful and so alive. As she went by I said, "your top is so beautiful, you look lovely." I have to admit she looked a little shocked and then started gushing with gratitude that a stranger had made a kind remark to her. This is not something I do often or easily, I actually made a conscious effort to briefly connect with her. I was curious about how she might respond and how a moment of intimacy with a stranger might feel. The result affirms that the effort required to cultivate intimacy is worth that moment of joy that comes from saying to someone in some way 'Hey, I noticed you. You are unique and divine. You are deserving of love and respect. I acknowledge you.' 

This is exactly what I do and exactly what I am saying when I create time in my life to practice yoga or nap or meditate or walk slowly in nature. It's my way of cultivating intimacy with myself; having a loving, tender and present relationship with myself and therefore LIFE. For me, the most assuring result of being willing to explore intimacy is the deep trust and sense of being nourished that begins to flow. Beyond the shaky ground of fear and uncertainty lies a deep and rich well of love and a sense that everything is perfect, there is nothing to fix or change. It always comes back to relaxing and relaxing and relaxing and relaxing and then relaxing again.

The jumble and muddle of questions that overwhelm me are part of that shaky ground of fear and 'not-knowing.' I once heard someone say that not knowing is fine, it is not knowing and thinking that you should know that creates confusion. Beyond the tangle of questions that arise out of what appears to be a mountain of choices is the answer, clear and bright. I don't know and everything is perfect. I am immersed in this new and intimate connection. I am staring deeply into the heart of not knowing, lying in the warm embrace of not knowing and relishing every rich moment.

If you are reading this; thank you for being here. I acknowledge you and I acknowledge all that you have experienced in your life thus far. I have time to include you in my prayers and to share a moment of intimacy with you despite not knowing intimate details of your life. Thank you.

TED - Great stuff.

A friend put me onto this website. It's called TED. This morning I've watched this one with Barry Schwartz and this one with Elizabeth Gilbert, author of 'Eat, Prey, Love.' These talks are wonderful. I was particularly inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert and I did really enjoy her book. She speaks with such grace and humor. Barry's talk also had deep resonance with me right now. He talks about the tyranny of excessive choice in our culture and how too much choice often results in paralysis. I am all too familiar with the feeling of having so much to choose from that I choose nothing. 

As well as recovering from being burnt out and exhausted from the island, this past ten months feels as though it has been an incubator time. A time spent considering my options, which are vast, staying afloat financially with casual work and trying to make a choice. I waiver between wanting to start a family, wanting to commit to finding a way to teach yoga full-time and also wondering if we will need to live outside of Australia to be satisfied and payed well as bodyworkers. I have not decided on any of these paths although the most likely seems trying to have a baby. The point is I have so many options and so many ideas and yet I cannot settle on or commit energy to any of them right now. It is hard to know whether to accept this as a time to ponder and consider or whether I need to force myself to take a step in A direction, ANY direction. Fear of failure? Fear of making the wrong decision? Fear of heading in a direction that cuts me off from other opportunities? 

Sniffles, Boots, Soup and Snuggles.

It's a lazy, snuggly saturday morning in our sweet little home. D goes to work a little later but until then we are sipping tea, (new ones from the visit to the big smoke; loose roasted dandelion, rosehip & a yarrow/elderflower/peppermint blend) I am blogging and D is wrapped up in 'The Age'. He's focused on the new samurai soduku for the week. I have a little sniffle I am nursing it by staying rugged up in my mohair blankie and committing to yet another quiet home day. My naturopath guardian angel dropped by with a good dose of vitamin C and echinacea. I did a speedie market run to Wesley Hill before 8 this morning and I have all the goods for making a love-imbued pot of pumpkin soup. I Heart Saturdays.

Yesterdays trip to Melbourne was so smooth and mellow. I didn't get a headache and I didn't get grumpy. I did achieve the boot purchase which is monumental and I am now feeling well equipped for the winter months in regards to both function and style. Retail purchases are not my idea of fun or relaxation. They are often second-guessed and pained over before I commit. Most often I end up in a funk about 'need vs want,' conscious consuming and the way buying crap has become the leisure activity of the western world. It's never been my idea of relaxation (give me two hours, a yoga mat and an eye pillow any day) and shopping for me is born out of the need to be warmer or because I have nothing to wear to wedding (a last resort if I am unable to borrow from a friend). With the help of two lovely women friends I made it through yesterdays purchase reasonably unscathed. This morning I am having a few 'do they fit me right' worries but D is being very reassuring, God bless his cotton socks.

I have often wondered how much of this 'make-do' attitude has been inherited from my amazing mother who spent eight years as a Catholic Mercy nun followed by the last thirty-four years as a devoted and selfless mother. She rarely buys herself new things and gives herself a rough time when she does but gives endlessly to others. My sister operates from the other end of the scale, more often making impulse purchases and I often encourage. As with all things I strive to strike a balance. I value being discerning and I value exploring and sometimes challenging my attitudes and belief systems. I am trying to cultivate a willingness to let go of beliefs that no longer serve me, sometimes this is smooth and sometimes clunky.

Last night I had a long overdue chat with a dear friend who lives on the other side of our state. After three years of social isolation on the island I am sometimes overwhelmed by the social activity and engaging that happens in the 'real world.' My tendency is to stay home alot, be inconsistent with phone calls to friends and be quite happy to go days without seeing anyone other that D. It's not because I don't love social activities or adore the gorgeous friends I have been blessed with. It seems more like I get distracted and immersed in doing solo things. I have also heard introverts described as those who get there energy from doing quiet/alone things and extroverts as being energised from social interaction. If this is the true definition I would fall into the introvert category. So I am sure you have gathered that I can be slack with phone calls but when I do get the space for a long chat I do thoroughly enjoy the catch-up. Last night was no exception. I felt so loved-up to have such a sweet, honest and brave friend. She is very patient with me and I am grateful for that.

Today I will pick the last of the tomatoes, make soup, yoga and watch the end of the red balloon movie.

k8 xo

A quiet moment.

It is early and I am enjoying a pot of sage tea, my new favourite herbie, while I potter about on other peoples blogs and slowly wake up. I fell asleep during the movie last night which is the usual pattern in this house but I love knowing I have an unfinished movie to watch.

I can hear all the cockatoos yelling and screaming outside as well s Mr magpie doing his cute warble. It's not so cold this morning, only one lambs wool jumper and the mohair rug wrapped around my kidneys. Thought I might meditate when I woke up but snuggled up with a pot of tea sang my name a little louder this morning.

As previously mentioned I am off to the city in less than an hour. Looking forward to relaxing on the train, lazing in the odd cafe and perusing cutie shops. Also looking forward to coming back to the country at the end of the day into the arms of the divine D.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be free. k8 xo

Time out.

After what felt like a month of continuous visitors, work and social engagements D and I have just had two whole days of quiet home time. Yesterday was a continuous snuggle and cuddle fest interspersed with a not-so-inspiring winter undie shop at Target. I am now a committed wearer of big knickers. After years of trying to keep my kidneys warm through the winter I see no other way.

Today we ate left-over chicken and leek pie and talked about missing New York City. Dale suggested we fly there for a week to buy new jeans, eat at  Pheasant and Cafe Gitane on the Lower East Side and walk through the park. Then to top the longing for NY off I found this sweetie blog. New York Portraits. Such beautiful photos and so many deliciously talented bloggers out there..

Speaking of; I have spent this past hour getting seriously distracted by loads of yummy, girlie, crafty, hip and inspiring blogs by women. I do recall a recent article in 'The Age' talking about women dominating the blogosphere. I am getting pretty buzzed by all the brave, entrepreneurial women doing amazing stuff and writing with depth and humour. I am both scared and inspired by them! I pulled out my dog-eared copy of Sark's 'Succulent Wild Woman' last night. This stuck; 'We are endowed with power by our very birth, and then shrouded from the knowledge and acceptance of it.' Questions around moving toward, dwelling in and embodying my power as a divine woman have been bubbling to the surface of late. Nothing much to report so far but hoping for some insights down the track.

I thought I might do a little summary of this past week as it's a tad blurry and I am feeling like collecting my thoughts;

• Did five Shiatsu in the three days over Easter from friday through sunday. It felt so good to get a little roll on with treating. Finding some challenge around feeling as though I gave a special treatment but having no attachment to how the person received it. Learning to meet my clients where ever they are and have no agenda around what they get out of my work.
• Worked at the little corner cafe monday and tuesday and then found myself wanting to run like crazy on tuesday night. I ran about 5km including a mega hill. I haven't run in months and was abit tickled that I was able to do it. I felt so determined and focused. Those are the moments when running can feel like a meditation for me.
• Have had many and varied thoughts regarding health and wellbeing. Been going through abit of a stock standard body image struggle and doing my best to challenge negative self talk around this. This evening I feel as though I am ready to commit to a gentle cleanse or exclude a few stimulants from my diet such as refined sugar, caffeine (my daily cup of chai) and perhaps wheat. 
• Yoga practice has been some days hit and some days miss. I blame the full moon. I had no idea about the intimate connection between the tides and the moon and how that might translate to humans we have so much water in our physical bodies. This needs more inquiry on my behalf but I am curious about moon cycles and emotion as well as the lunar cycle and the menstrual cycle. Have been enjoying slow and strong vinyasa flow with focus on core connection, juicy stuff. 
• D and I have been feeling a spot landlocked and have had a few little chats about living by the ocean or at least making a trip to the water soon. I feel almost certain that we will live close to water one day soon.
• Sorted through a bunch of professional yoga shots that a friend did for me. The photos are really beautiful. Delicious morning light in the local botanical gardens and a particularly playful silouette of me in handstand. Yah for my first happy photo shoot experience. I am camera shy.
• Made a spleen-nurturing corn soup from Stephanie Alexander's 'The Cooks Companion.' So much amazing sweet corn in season right now.
• Decided it's time to write a business plan and take the steps required to move toward full time yoga teaching. This is a bee in the bonnet and it's time to set the buzz free.
• City tripped planned tomorrow with two friends. Fingers crossed for the perfect pair of winter boots. 
• Cleaned out the scary corner of the lounge, it's currently strewn across the floor eagerly awaiting special archive boxes so letters/photos/documents and diaries can be neatly stored and marked. Virgo heaven I tells ya.

Signing off to watch a sweet french film called 'The Red Balloon.' I'll report back. K8 xo

Hello Moon.

Go outside and look at the moon. She's divine. 

Heart Song.

I am playing a song on repeat. I think it's played for at least 45 minutes over and over and over. I do this alot. It's as if the song stirs some deep longing in my heart. It feels like I am being nostalgic but it is not connected to a specific memory or time or place. It is a mixture of a boy I use to love, a foreign city I walked through at 4am, the first time Dale held my hand, my first share house, a time when I would take off on an adventure without a cent to my name. I think it is a homesickness for spirit. A desire to be held and nutured, to tend that ever-present flame in my heart that is the divine, my beingness. The song, the melody ignites the flame and warms my heart. 

Today this all makes perfect sense. I am tired. I have been tending to guests for almost a week and there has been little time to soften into a long yoga practice, to let my shoulders release and exhale. Of course, taking my practice off the mat and into the world is the idea but I am a slow learner. I am grateful for my guests and the sharing that happens between family and friends and I am grateful when they go home.

The song is 'Orange Sky' by Alexi Murdoch. It was played in a class I took last May at Exhale, Venice Beach.