This is my first saturday at home in many months. I recently quit a weekend job in a town about twenty minutes from where I live. It was hospitality work and it did not take long before I realised that I no longer have the energy or desire to work in such chaotic and fast paced environments. Almost a year has passed since I left my full time (six days a week) job on the island. "A whole year!" I exclaimed to my beloved this past thursday. "What have I done? Where have I been?" Once I recovered from the shock that so much time had passed and I hadb been back in Australia for many months I realised that I had received the year that I had asked for. I was longing for quiet, for a home and private space of our own, for my time to be less dominated by work and for rest. The universe delivered it square into my lap and yet so much of this past year has been spent worrying and fixating on my past perceieved failings and on fears of the future. Beyond all these mental loops and stories I am having lovely moments of feeling vast amounts of gratitude for what I have received. I am also taking in the very valuable lesson of being clear about what I ask for and being prepared to live that reality as it unfolds. I am often too caught up in drama or stories to even see that I am right where I asked to be, I am right where I am supposed to be. It has become a part of my daily practice to acknowledge that I trust that I am where I am supposed to be right now. There is no where else for me to be but here. This is my practice in cultivating contentment.
"Contentment comes into being only when you see yourself as you are without any desire to change, without any condemnation or comparison - which does not mean that you merely accept what you see and go to sleep. But when the mind is no longer comparing, judging, evaluating, and is therefore capable of seeing what is from moment to moment without wanting to change it - in that very perception is the eternal." Krishnamurti. 'Think on these things.'
Yesterday I had a long overdue session with my naturopath who is also a new but very dear friend whom I see almost daily for tea and walks and chatting. I am still absorbing the depth of her insight and the non-judgement and care with which she practices. I have seen more naturopaths, Chinese doctors, western doctors and alternative practitioners than I could poke a stick at. I have bucketed supplements down my throat and quit jobs and moved towns and moved countries and seen therapists and yet not one of them has conveyed the truth in the same way that she was able yesterday morning. The insight became clear within the context of receiving a vast array of blood tests results that all pointed to me being in glowing physical health despite an ongoing (years) fatigue issue. I am going to try and convey her understanding and insight as simply as I can. It goes something like this; We all arrive in the world with certain challenges related to our health. It is not our fault, we are not at fault but we can learn to respond to these challenges with care, compassion and appropriate treatment if necessary. So if I was predisposed to liver sluggishness I could work closely with diet and exercise to make sure my liver could be as healthy as possible. Turns out that my liver is doing everything it is supposed to. My challenge is anxiety, over-analysing and over-thinking. An unsettled, and very active mind and imagination to the point of causing bone-tired exhaustion. For some reason the glitch for me has been wanting my 'weakness' to be physical because of judgements and beliefs that I hold around mental illness or challenges with mental health. I have felt that it is much easier to tell someone that I am exhausted because I have a thyroid condition than it is to tell them I am exhausted because of anxiety and the resulting depression. The whole new angle, the insight is to embrace this challenge and consider this new understanding empowering and liberating. It helps me to view the mind as another organ system, part of a whole and integrated system not separate and not something that I 'should' be able to control and manipulate and if I cannot I am weak. For so long I have been 'doing' so much in service of improving my well being and health. Amidst all this 'doing' there has been so much anguish around why my efforts appear to be failing. I feel as though I have stepped away and by recognising my personal challenge and, this is important, accepting and EMBRACING, allowing space and compassion I am much more available to absorb the benefits of the positive things I do engage in; yoga, healthy diet, good sleep, exercise etc. In a nutshell this new perspective has given me the opportunity to truly cut myself some slack. This process of elimination in order to find the root of an issue has also helped me clarify the most beneficial treatment and approach for me. I am not interested in exacerbating my mind activity by more talking or more analysing (farewell therapists), my body is strong and healthy so more supplements are not relevant. Now is the time for me to clarify my meditation practice and also feel some relief that sitting practice has been so goddamn hard for me because of my wiring. But it's called practice for a reason. My sweet man drops into deep stillness as soon as his cute backside lands on the floor, bless his cotton socks. I feel that touch and body work is important for dropping my entire being into deep relaxation and restoration, the place where healing happens (this is true not just a cheeky excuse for weekly massage). I feel like a fog has cleared. I feel like I can truly respond appropriately and effect change in my life without taking it all too seriously or without hassling myself if I slip from time to time.
More than ever I feel overwhelming gratitude for the path that has been revealed to me in this lifetime, it is exactly what I need. Thank the heavens for the teachers that have touched my life and offered such deep insight and love to me even when I was unable to engage with the same compassion. Finding yoga has been the most powerful and radical blessing of my life. In my yoga practice I find deep rest, deep connection and a space to bow down at my inner altar, my heart, and ask, prey for guidance.
"The solution to anything is to slide into a feeling of peace instead of thrashing around to find the answer." Erich Schiffmann.
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