Ramblings.

The walk from the shops back up the hill to my house use to take me between five and ten minutes. Now it takes me about twenty-five minutes. For the past six weeks or so I have lingered down the street hoping to bump into a friend who might give me a ride up the hill to my house. A few weeks back a paid $4.90 for a cab to drive me less than one kilometre home. Today Dale dropped me at the store on his way to work and said I should get a cab home. Well there were no cabs waiting in the taxi rank so I started the huffy plod up the road to home. I'd only gone one block when someone I sort of know stopped at the intersection of the road I was crossing. He smiled and waved. I smiled and said "you going up the hill? Can you give me a ride?" He was very sweet and did not hesitate. I told him I was 38 weeks and 1 day and he looked like he wanted to get me out of his car quick smart before I went into labor! Thank you for the lift Graham. I think I may have been crying by the time I got home if I had to walk the whole way.

Sally dropped in last night with the final attachments for the birthing pool. She gave me a little bronze fertility statue that is handed to the next birthing woman. That's me!

My sister came out from the city yesterday. She lay with her ear to my belly and was able to listen to bub's heart beat just like that. I had heard it was possible but no one had tried. I was so happy that my sister was able to do that with the little one. Then bub elbowed her in the ear. We had a lovely giggle.

38 weeks and counting.

Today I am 38 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks onwards is considered full term.

Last night I had my birth support meeting. This involved my beautiful birth support team gathering in my home to share food, give me loads of attention and chat about any feelings we were having around the event. We did discuss some of the logistics of home birthing such as putting the birth pool together (Dale's job) and a birth plan if we needed to be transferred to hospital. It was such a nourishing and peaceful evening. I think I dropped even more deeply into a calm and relaxed space. At the end of the night Dale and I lay down on the futon in the lounge together and Sally, our main midwife, placed her hands on us and did a beautiful affirmation. My favourite line is when she says "there is so much love for you out here little baby."

I went to bed completely blissed out and excited about our baby's arrival. Two hours later I awoke from a dream with mild period-like cramping running from my uterus down into my legs. This was a new sensation. In sleepy tones I said to Dale, "I'm having some period type pain right now, it woke me up." He stirred a little and then we both lay there a little more awake and alert wondering if this would be the night. Well the cramps passed and we went back to sleep. I woke this morning feeling nothing unusual but a little buzzed about the new tricks my baby and uterus were performing. Go little baby. You are amazing. Our bodies are amazing.

This morning I told Dale that I did not want to ever begrudge and whine about pregnancy and labor. I know I might get sookie at some point during the birth but right now I feel so honored and blessed to have this experience and no matter how challenging it is I promised him and our baby that I would always see this extraordinary experience as a profound blessing.

My midwife left us at 10pm last night and went on to deliver a little boy at 1am this morning. She had mentioned that she may have a baby arrive last night so when I woke to cramps I did mention to the little one that Sally might be busy and could we hold off another night? Thank you little one.

I am no pin-up gal for smooth and challenge-free pregnancy (you'll have to look to Angelina for that). I have had some impressive symptoms and have felt rotten from time to time. It has been wild and wonderful watching my body change. Some days I have felt fully surrendered to the process and other days I have felt sad and resistant. This little human has taught me so much already. I cannot wait for us meet each other's gaze.

Hello Again.

I have been away for many weeks. Certainly not the best method for developing a loyal blog following! I have a very good excuse and my dog did not eat my homework. I am almost sixteen weeks pregnant. It's delightful and precious and challenging and exhausting. I spent a good chunk of my first tri hurling chunks and have not rolled out my yoga mat in about ten weeks let along put on my hiking shoes and gone for a long walk. Two days ago I cooked for friends, I fried off the onion which is huge progress from the weeks spent sending Dale into the backyard to cook on the camping stove.

I have a teensy bump and my waist has vanished. I eat nutri-grain for breakfast mainly because the slogan on the box reads, 'will you be ready when the time comes?' That cracks Dale and I up. Don't ever read the sugar content of nutri-grain. I eat two to three grapefruit per day and cannot have water unless it has at least a good squeeze of lemon juice, plain water still makes me feel ill. We talk to bub as often as we can. Dale thinks we are having a boy. I am not sure.

I have not been working. At all. Nothing. Zip. Oh, actually I cleaned the house last saturday and then again today. Oh, and there's that whole growing a baby thing which is a big job. 

We are planning a homebirth with a superb local midwife. My advice, if you are planning a homebirth; be careful who you tell because defending myself on that one has been very boring and other people's fear is a real downer. This is certainly not some wayward hippie idea. This is a conscious choice to bring our bub into the world in the most loving, supported and safe way that we can. 

My sister-in-law just had another boy, 10lb. That's a large baby. We went to visit and she asked if we could pick her up some caffeine free, sugar free coke on the way. She wanted a six pack but we could only find a twelve pack carton. So Dale and I walk into the maternity ward of the Royal Women's hospital with a carton of caffeine free coke zero. I felt like I deserved to be arrested! It could only have been better if we had a bottle of wild turkey and a carton of smokes. What I holy stuck up yogi I am!

The sun was out today, all day. The washing dried on the line. I opened all the windows. I wore my sandals on my bike. I feel as though I am emerging from a fog, from underneath a heavy blanket. I have felt gratitude to be with child the whole time but the nausea and the emotion has tested my limits. As will labor and a newborn. As will a two year old and a teenager. 

I'm ready for the ride.

Back on board - Class Reflections numero uno!

After much procrastinating since my january intensive classes I am back on the teaching wagon. I am running two classes a week out of Over-the-Moon creative dance and yoga studio in thriving downtown Castlemaine. I had been holding out for the perfect time slot to open up and the stars to align and an angel to appear etc. Instead of sitting around for this I have taken the 6:30 am on friday slot and the 9:30am sunday slot with absolutely no idea or expectation about how these classes will go. 

Yesterday was the first friday sessions and I had three peeps all of whom attended my january classes. The room is warm (this had been my biggest worry) and we all thoroughly enjoyed the intimacy of such a small group of gorgeous gals. I need to buy a few props like blocks and straps but until funds allow the space is great with loads of blankets and mats. 

I always feel a tad shy and clunky stepping back into a teaching role but I feel so blessed to be able to share yoga with others that the shyness soon passes. My ongoing challenge is to explore ways of articulating and conveying the essence of the practice. I have skirted the edges of this out of fear that it may sound preachie or worse I end up in a tangled muddle of words making little sense. Mostly I try to get into the feeling of yoga before class so that the 'essence' I refer to may possibly be conveyed via a feeling. We spent the final few moments cultivating gratitude for something or someone in our lives that we deeply appreciate. After class one student told me that she had thanked the amazing mountain that she sees from her kitchen for giving her such a magical view. I was really touched by this and we shared our thoughts about how so often we are most grateful for very simple moments or things in our lives. I am exploring gratitude as a powerful way to shed light on fear and worry in my life. I love the simplicity of this prayer and feel so buzzed by the shift I feel when I include deep thanks in my daily practice.

Being into vinyasa flow I love to plan fun and creative sequences but I am also aware of balancing this with some hints around alignment and blossoming from our energetic core. There just seems like there can be so much to say and I do really like to keep class quite simple and spacious so students can have their own yoga experience not one with my voice constantly in the background. AHH, this is all great learning for me and I welcome it whole heartedly. It is such an ongoing practice for me to stay with my own truth and my own path and not compare myself to others or judge myself as less competent in some way. I notice that I can feel like because I teach yoga I am not even allowed to share that vulnerability but the truth is I hope that I exude realness when I teach and not some contrived holier-than-thou, one-day-you'll-get-it kind of vibe. I practice yoga because it helps me cultivate the trust, self-love and compassion that I need to face my vulnerabilities; fears, guilt, jealousy, anxiety, and hurt (among others!) that arise because I am having a human experience, because being human means the full spectrum of human emotion and it means encountering suffering. I also practice because it feels so good and when I am in my body and in my breath I feel so much more able to connect with joy and extend my heart to others and acknowledge the profound yet simple ways that my life is blessed (abundant food, running water, supportive family, a home, health, friends...this is endless).

This past week has been rich. I have been humbled by an old friend courageous enough to hold my hand and lead me into a challenging dialogue. Through our conversation we have been able to resolve an old pain around an experience we had together many years ago. I was touched by her willingness to stay present and to forgive, I hope I was able to offer her the same. It feels as though we have removed a veil that was keeping us from deepening our connection. 

'Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing there is a field. I will meet you there.' Rumi.

wave watchers.

We are spending two days at the beach. For most of today Dale and I have been driving between Queenscliff and Barwon Heads pulling in at spots to watch the ocean from blustery headlands and to see if we can find a good spot for Dale to give me a surfing lesson. The last time we surfed together was 2005 at Port Fairy. It was so cold and wild and so energising. Just out past the waves we spotted a Mumma and calf whale floating by. I had my eyes peeled for whales today but they must be busy elsewhere. Queenscliff is so sleepy it's almost impossible to find a place open for dinner. I love seaside towns in the winter.

Intimacy.

I just opened Nadine Fawell's lovely blog to read this quote from Mark Whitwell. 

'We need intimacy, not enlightenment.' 

These days it seems as though some effort needs to be made to create space for intimate relationship with other human beings. There are so many things that oppose cultivating truly present and intimate engagement with ourselves, with others and with life itself. So many gadgets that supposedly keep us 'connected' and yet so many people feel deep disconnection and isolation. 

Today I was in the city and I noticed a woman wearing an amazing bright green top, she looked beautiful and so alive. As she went by I said, "your top is so beautiful, you look lovely." I have to admit she looked a little shocked and then started gushing with gratitude that a stranger had made a kind remark to her. This is not something I do often or easily, I actually made a conscious effort to briefly connect with her. I was curious about how she might respond and how a moment of intimacy with a stranger might feel. The result affirms that the effort required to cultivate intimacy is worth that moment of joy that comes from saying to someone in some way 'Hey, I noticed you. You are unique and divine. You are deserving of love and respect. I acknowledge you.' 

This is exactly what I do and exactly what I am saying when I create time in my life to practice yoga or nap or meditate or walk slowly in nature. It's my way of cultivating intimacy with myself; having a loving, tender and present relationship with myself and therefore LIFE. For me, the most assuring result of being willing to explore intimacy is the deep trust and sense of being nourished that begins to flow. Beyond the shaky ground of fear and uncertainty lies a deep and rich well of love and a sense that everything is perfect, there is nothing to fix or change. It always comes back to relaxing and relaxing and relaxing and relaxing and then relaxing again.

The jumble and muddle of questions that overwhelm me are part of that shaky ground of fear and 'not-knowing.' I once heard someone say that not knowing is fine, it is not knowing and thinking that you should know that creates confusion. Beyond the tangle of questions that arise out of what appears to be a mountain of choices is the answer, clear and bright. I don't know and everything is perfect. I am immersed in this new and intimate connection. I am staring deeply into the heart of not knowing, lying in the warm embrace of not knowing and relishing every rich moment.

If you are reading this; thank you for being here. I acknowledge you and I acknowledge all that you have experienced in your life thus far. I have time to include you in my prayers and to share a moment of intimacy with you despite not knowing intimate details of your life. Thank you.

TED - Great stuff.

A friend put me onto this website. It's called TED. This morning I've watched this one with Barry Schwartz and this one with Elizabeth Gilbert, author of 'Eat, Prey, Love.' These talks are wonderful. I was particularly inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert and I did really enjoy her book. She speaks with such grace and humor. Barry's talk also had deep resonance with me right now. He talks about the tyranny of excessive choice in our culture and how too much choice often results in paralysis. I am all too familiar with the feeling of having so much to choose from that I choose nothing. 

As well as recovering from being burnt out and exhausted from the island, this past ten months feels as though it has been an incubator time. A time spent considering my options, which are vast, staying afloat financially with casual work and trying to make a choice. I waiver between wanting to start a family, wanting to commit to finding a way to teach yoga full-time and also wondering if we will need to live outside of Australia to be satisfied and payed well as bodyworkers. I have not decided on any of these paths although the most likely seems trying to have a baby. The point is I have so many options and so many ideas and yet I cannot settle on or commit energy to any of them right now. It is hard to know whether to accept this as a time to ponder and consider or whether I need to force myself to take a step in A direction, ANY direction. Fear of failure? Fear of making the wrong decision? Fear of heading in a direction that cuts me off from other opportunities?